The weekend just gone was the first weekend in a long, very long, time that I didn’t have any plans. Nothing. Zero. Nada.
For some reason I felt a huge resistance to write and was looking forward to a weekend of nothing. Although I fancied to just completely do as I pleased; I was feeling guilty. I felt guilty for hanging on the sofa. I felt guilty for watching a movie.I felt guilty for not writing. Like I should do something more useful with my time. The funny thing is though that all I wanted to do is chill on the sofa and relax. I didn’t want to write my next blog post. I didn’t want to read through course material. Or look into ways to grow my Facebook fans. I just wanted to be.
I kicked off the weekend with some Friday after work drinks followed by my first anti gravity yoga class on Saturday morning. This was rather interesting and I’m not sure if I’ll become a fan of hanging-upside-down-in-hammock-doing-backflips but I will go back and give it another go. Next up, my weekly shop which I must admit I have not been doing for ages and it felt good to fill up the fridge. And… let my chill out sesh begin! It was raining cats and dogs here in London so it was the perfect weather for it. But I couldn’t relax. I kept saying what a useless day. Fidgeting about on my laptop, trying to force myself into doing something creative. Resistance galore. This all felt wrong. Why couldn’t I enjoy a lazy afternoon? This restless feeling continued for most of the Saturday. And at some point I finally gave in.
On Sunday I enjoyed a morning run, a Skype chat and a deliciously lazy afternoon in the park reading my book and enjoying the beautiful sunshine. Oh how the weather can change. And my resistance made way for relaxation. But even though I allowed myself to chill out, I still heard that voice in the back of my head; you should be writing, planning, goal setting. Why oh why? Blogging is suppose to be fun and not an obligation. When had it turned from a creative outlet into a big responsibility?
This was a huge lesson for me. The resistance and inner critic show up because of fear of failure. The fear of letting myself and other down. It was such a good reminder that between blogging, goal setting/achieving, work, gym etc there’s a thing called life that has to be lived and enjoyed. Letting go of your to do list and simply just be. Ultimately I write because I enjoy it, not because I have to. And I like to keep it that way.
Have you been feeling any unnecessary guilt or resistance lately? Any eye openers? I love to hear them.